Monday, November 22, 2004

TOW ... ZEN of writing exams

**The Zen of writing Anna University exams**

# Before the exams :
* free thyself form mundane virtues like "logical thinking" and "creativity" .... atleast 5 days b4 the exam..else , thou bottom's on fire !!
* dont dream of the future .... cuz all ur dreams are contingent on these exams and the result of these exams is not in ur hands .
* devote thyself to sp. 'dhyana' or 'zazen' .... also called "cramming" , 3 days before exam
* when cramming , jus cram ...thats zen !! ... dont think abt the exams 'cuz thats a totally independent event all together .... so just cram as much as u can , free ur mind of tgts .... cram so much that there is no space for any new tgts !!
* wear ur 'sense-of-humour' caps ... as u r going to need a lot of that in order to get thru the ordeal... and in the very unlikely event of u managing to get past it without losing ur sanity , the only thing u'll be left with will be ur sense of humour !

# During the exam :
* forget that ur medium of education for the past 12 yrs has been english ..... writing in english can be very dangerous .
A trick : Imagine urself to be a recently moved spanish emmigrant to the states , and then write .
* write ... write, like u were at gunpoint and asked to write 40 pages of crap within 3 hrs , to be spared .

# After the exam :
* enjoy !! the period of time between the exams and the results is wen u free urself from the great burden of education....just run ...run like the wind .... run into the wilderness !!!
* wats more popular and effective than a 'bombscare at the kennedy airport' ?! ..."result-scare" . 90% of the time they are rumours . dont believe in them untill u've seen it !!
* wen u flunk (and trust me u will) make sure that ppl "know" tat u r sad .... cuz otherwise , u either become the wierd insensitive dude who has no heart (which is a gud thing in the guys-world but not wen it is pushed over the edge) ; or , the guy who deserved to flunk anyways !
* wen the ppl around u flunk (along with u) , make a sad face , be totally aware of ur facial contortoions and try ur best not to laugh .... also , say really emotional stuff like "i understand" (god knows wat ??) ,and other phrases to the same effect , its supposed to work .
* never ever try ur witticisms on a person who jus flunked even if ur intentions are gud !
* now the time has come for u to say bye-bye to ur friends as , they either depart to cry-cry land ( whislt u swim thru the river of death all alone , laughing at urself and ur horrible life ) , or ostrasize u for not crying !

# A parting tgt :
Apart from gettin a so-called 'Baccaularate in Engineering' degree , u also get an 'Honourary Masters' degree in myriad other fields like 'critical risk managemnt', 'tolerance', 'crazy ppl management', 'maintaining sanity management' ....

Lessons learnt :
* u become a very effecient problem solver , as u r confronted with strange problem every second and u've to either kill urself (which is a very inviting option) or develop an algorithm to get urself out of it .
* cumulatively u put in a max of 20 hrs to get a BE degree that is supposed to take 4 yrs ... so ur effeciency increases to a whopping 1750% !!!
* since u cant dream , or whine abt the past , the only thing that u can do is " live IN the moment" , which is the true art of living !!
* u develop the ability to laugh at urself cuz that is the only thing u can do .... and then u go abt writing .....and creating blogs that exposes ur horrible writing skills to the world , hence making u very infamous and unpopular , which is not a very bad thing ! ( trade secret : females love short-fat-bald men with horrible writing skills)

So , gud luck for exams .

Friday, November 19, 2004

TOW ... the PENishment !!

I hate pens .
I've always hated pens .
They are tools made on order by 'Satan' himself , and sent to earth to tear down the tranquility of this place by doing that malicious " disappearing act " of theirs .

How they do that thing they do , has been one of the greatest mysteries and myths of this world ; and mankind has a long way to go before we crack this mystery and find a solution for the sake of humanity.

And they are called stationery ????!!!
Of all the possible combination of a sequence of letters , the creators of English had to get a name that sounded like stationary ?! Every man in his right senses knows that pens are anything but stationary.
They are these little devils in disguise who reside in your trouser or shirt pockets for the first two hours of college ( when you dont need to write anything anyways ) and just disappear from the face of the earth , leaving no clue behind , when you need them the most , say when you have to write a crucial REtest for a retest , or an assignment that was to be submitted the week before the last week , or when writing down a girls phone no on your palm (which by the way will fade away by the time you copy it to a permanent storing thing ).

Those who have siblings know well about " pen fights " .
For those who dont : its a fierce battle fought between two really angry humans(?!) for proprietary rights of the pen.
If its a sister and a younger one, you've lost the battle b4 its even fought ( but the fact that u still fight is a different thing altogether ).
Girls have this huge collection of fancy erasers, barbie pencils , sparkle pens with colors ranging from 'mera wala' goldenish silver to 'tera wala' blackish white . And they r highly possessive about it .
But the good news is that u can always borrow a pen from a girl . They have enuf pens to go round the sun four times if connected from tip to tail .
My sister's pencil box has everything under the sun , over the moon ,on the stars etc etc .
. everything .
I'm certain that Saddam Hussein hid all his WMDs in my sister's pencil box .

The fight is not just between siblings . the evil pen can bring down the whole house too.
and it all starts with "the" pen that is supposed to be "there", next to the phone and the phone book .
.that damn pen .
the same pen that you bought with your canteen money , that you didnt use for the love of the family and peace of the house .
it just stood up and walked off, or stretched its wings and flew , or just went invisible using that dirty trick it learnt.
and who is blamed ? ...... YOU . innocent you . because you are supposed to be the college going guy n is supposed to handle all the stationery needs of the house.
They call you by names and use really abusive words like "careless" , "irresponsible" , " indifferent" , "slapdash ".... and you , in spite of the vast vocabulary you have feel helpless , coz nobody is going to believe that "the pen", that so called "non-living" thing can be guilty of this deleterious , malevolent, malign ,loathsome , atrocious "crime".
Its one of those times when you feel like a one legged guy competing in a butt kicking competition .

One of my friends never has to go thru this ordeal, coz his dad lost a Mont Blanc !!!!
that makes me wonder , why do people buy Mont Blanc pens ?!
I dream of Ferraris n Porsches , Armani suits , Ralph Lauren shirts , Okley glasses and Rolex watches . But never , never of a Mont Blanc pen .
Even if they gave me all the cash on earth i wudnt buy that .
'Coz given my rate of losing pens ,the loss will tantamount to the GDP of Luxemburg !!!! n that's per week.

How does one become a "pen scientist" ?
By the way , they suck .
They can invent pens , that have meters (why do u need that ?!) ; that can make u fall in love whilst u r writing ; that can make u a hit with ur boss ; that can make you look lexi or sexy ; that have French designing and Russian missile technology ; that can make you a HIfier ; that can make you jump with joy 4 no reason at all .....
but not one pen ,
not one goddamnit pen ... that can STAY IN MY POCKET for jus 24 hours !!!
I hate pens .
<>

Scoffes
( the author is the creator of "www.ihatepensandbritneyspears.com" )

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

TOW ...Moming !!

" A mom , is a mom , is a mom "
Ma

There are dads who are cool , there are dads who are strict , there are those who are heroes and those who get drunk and beat their kids .
But 'moms' are just 'moms' .
They all went to the same 'Academy ' and learnt the enigmatic art of "MOMing" !

Ask any guy whom he loves the most and as a reflex action he'll say it's his mom . Moms are also their daughters' best friends . ( Note :Guys don't believe in the concept of "best friend" )
Okay now this isn't supposed to be an emotional article though you might find some striking resemblance with the effusive part of 'Kal ho na ho' , which is pretty much the whole movie .

So , about moms . Well I've studied my mom for the past 19 yrs . I've seen my mom's mom , my dad's mom , my cousins' moms ,my friends' moms and just moms in general. And 've learnt that essentially they all are the same .
They follow certain rules that were taught to them during their training period at the " MOMin' Academy ".

1. Murphy's Mother's law of food
They say , " the way to a man's heart is thro' his stomach " ; well it may not totally fit in here , but I think that is the reason we love our mothers , because they make sure we get food whenever we want .
I think that is every mother's "GOAL" in life ; to make sure her kids get food , and not just food , 'good healthy food'.
But the bad news is , they take this a li'l too seriously .
And, sometimes it gets irritating .

" Oh hi mom , the test was great , I think I'll make it to Stanford"
" Whatever . Hey did you have your lunch ?"


" Mom , I won the 'Noble Prize ' and I'm going to Stolkholm "
" Omg ,what are you going to eat there ?"


2a. Murphy's Matre with her Sons
You could be the most hideous looking dumb creature the world has ever seen ; but your mom will think that you are handsome and smart . According to her , any girl should go head over heels , for a guy as good as her son . She may or may not like too many girls calling up at her place asking for her son , but she'll sure be proud of it .
Moms like to talk . Not because they are moms but because they are girls . And they expect their sons to to talk . And that is where they make the mistake . Guys either have no problems and if they have , they prefer solving it by themselves than discussing it with their mothers . Besides , its odd talking to your mother about girls , cars and ... girls .

2b. Murphy's Matre and her Daughters
Mothers and Daughters can be intimate friends ,'coz they both come from the same planet . They talk and discuss their plans and problems and what not .I think they talk about sex too ; guys are just left to explore nature and find about the facts of life all by themselves . Mothers also play an important role in training their daughters to be "girls" , you know like:- talking ,bitching ,wasteful-shopping ,being a perfectionist ,going against comfort to be orderly ...
And all this starts really early .
My mom loves listening to my sister as she narrates about how she lost her pencil in the second hour of school and got it back in the fourth ;about how her friend got only 97.61% , whilst she(my sis) got 97.62% inspite of revising "only" three times ;and how some guy (with close resemblance to her 'Big Bad Bro.' ) ate the 2 crackers hidden inside lunch box no.-II without asking her !

3. Murphy's Mommy's Law of Orderliness
Again , I donno whether its got to do with them being mothers or them being girls , but mothers are little too orderly .
Its good to be orderly and clean and tidy and all that , but to a level where it is comfortatable .
A slight change in the angle of the cushions on the deewan , or that wave-thingy on the bedsheet , or a small pit on the pillows ...and you are dead !
I still don't understand why does one have to clean every corner of the house with a duster followed by a broom and then a mop every bloody day !! (while the vaccum cleaner that was last used on your fourth b'day rests in the store-room)

4. Murphy's Ma's law of ESP
Its the hottest day of the year on the dryest part of the planet , it hasn't rained for 3 decades and their is no cloud to be seen anywhere in the radius of 10 miles .
Your mom asks you to take the umbrella . You laugh at her total lack of discernity and obviously disobey .
It RAINS . Period .

5. Murphy's mother's Law of Tupper-Ware
What's up with moms and tupperware ?!! There is this tupper-ware-wali aunty who comes to my place every week and makes sure our family is poorer by not less than a grand .
I'm sure a new 'WTC triplet towers' can be made by melting and moulding all the tupperware in my house !!
Five years back it was Amway , and I'm sure there was something else before that too .
And these people manage to fool all Indian Mothers . Argh... the kind of marketing strategies they use to make money nowdays . Bloody Americans !

6. Murphy's mum's Law ...
Hey hold on . Who on earth was Murphy ? Did a guy like that even exist ? Okay no more Murphy from now on .
6. Sandy's Mum's Law of Temperament
Why can't mums be cool ?! Why do they worry about every damn thing there is to worry about ?
I guess that is what they are taught at the "MOMing Academy " . To worry . To capitulate their lives for the welfare of their kids ( and ofcourse the tupperware company ).

Now the question is , when do girls go to this Academy ?
What is the mystery behind fun-loving ,carefree ,careless girls suddenly being gifted with the virtues of responsiblity, endurance, strength, awareness, intution, caring , low IQ and high EQ , knowledge of cognitive phsycology and 3 martial art forms(in the case of moming five yr old boys ; I'm an ex-5yr old boy myself and trust me they are "dangerous" ) and being handed over the toughest job on earth .
Well , doesn't look like we are going to get any answers soon .
Anyways , well done mom . Thank you and I love you .
<>

Monday, November 15, 2004

TOW ... Linda-Badman!!

My mum's currently in the "Linda Goodman" frenzy .
The cover says , "over 2 million copies sold " . So, lets say they sold a million copies .
Now the book costs $10 .
So the publisher made $ 10,000,000 !!!
And the female would have definitely made more than a million herself . And, thats from just one book !!
I can't believe that she made herself a multi-millionaire by making a fool out of people like my mom !
I must strike back .

LINDA BAD-MAN!!
Astrology .
Astro , basically has dooble-entendre . It essentially refers to George Jetson's pet mutt .
And oh yeah , it also means something that's got to do with stars and all that celestial crap .
Logy , comes from the latin word logos that means science which inturn comes from the greek word sciens that means knowledge , which again is derived from the french wor......ehm..... well , it is not germane to what I'm talking about here.

What is pertinent here is the meaning of the word astrology .
Well if you logically look at it , and just for the record "logic" too comes from logos which in turn....never mind ! ; yeah , so logically it could either mean :
* the study of Mr. Jetson's dog . Or,
* the study of stars and their affect ( shud I be saying effect ?) on our lives .

Now , they both seem equally interesting and yet rummy topics .
But there is nothing much to analyse about George's canine friend .
So, we'll make this discussion less dusultory by focussing on stars and how they play with our lives.

There isn't a magazine or a daily that doesn't reserve a column for astrology / zodiacs .
And everybody reads it , whether they believe it or not .
But , I don't get it !!
Where is the connection ?!
How can some "thing" that is like a zillion light-years away from me and is constantly moving away with a speed that makes me wonder whether its ass is on fire , decide the course of my life .
Now , c'mmon don't gimme that " magnetic effect " crap !
That's what all these astrologers claim .
"... the position of the celestial objects at the time when you were born , creates a unique magnetic field that makes a signature pattern of neurons on the frontal node of your cerebral cortex , just above the medula oblongata....".

Well , it should not take me more than 2 seconds , make it 3 , to strip open the fallacy of this dogma.
The time starts now.

One , even if we assume that the magnetic field at the time of birth does define one's personality then there are so many other sources of magnetic fields running concurrently . What if I had a tranformer near the hospital I was born in !!
Forget the tranformer , you dont need a Phd in electrical sciences to know that even domestic electrical circuits create magnetic fields and their proximity can't even be compared to these celestial sources , our astro friends are talking about .
Not convinced .

OK , what about the fact that they are on the run . Remember the 'Big Bang' theory ?!!!
No no , not finger-bang ! .......Big bang .
Well , all these stars are moving away from us at a speed that could leave even "The Concord" chagrined . A couple of billion miles per second , at the least . So there goes your magnetic effect theory !

Need more proof ?
Fine , there is another reason . Well , there are so many celestial objects that are born and that die every second . And there are loads of them we don't even no about . How do you accout for that .
Do you know how many planets are there in the solar system ?
nine ?!
Wrong ! the answer is ten . A new member was added to the solar family a couple of months back .

A'rite , I guess it's time for me to lift up my sword and say touche .

But , then astrology is atleast better than numerology .
What's up with numerology anyway ? And how can anyone actually believe in this thing !!
You change your name as directed by numerologists ( who are mistaken for people who are good with numbers ) , and you become wealthier , healthier and wise(er ?!) . Well you sure do need to get wise .Duh ?!!
No , seriously . Where is the relation ???
Its like saying , " Frank farted in Frankfurt and my dog died in Delhi !!! ".
I can't believe astrology,numerology on one hand and biology,neurolgy,logic on the other , come from the same root !
Its like a mother having two kids . One is as good as it gets (say , me), and the other ..the antagonist...like my sister !!!.
I guess the evil kid of Mrs.Logos , basically gives people (read :losers ) who can't make their own decisions a reason to hand-over their life to a " non-living thing " !!!
So be it.
<>

Saturday, November 13, 2004

TOW ...all the Laziness

" To err is human , and to laze divine "
- Sandeep , author of the (to-be) bestseller "You Can Laze " .

Do you have it in YOU ?
A disclaimer:
This article can make you lose focus . It can leave you dis-oriented about your goals .
Its written merely to promote the yet to be released movie, " Lakshya" ( that'll act as a catharsis and oh! , Farhan Akhtar got me a date with Preity , for writing this . )
and true to its cause , the article doesnt get anywhere .

Okay , I'm going to tell you the truth ; and the truth is not always bitter .
The Truth --> Humans were not made to WORK.
If you believe in evolution , then you will have to believe me in this .
Like Darwin put it , " Survival of the laziest " .
Fine , thats not what he said , but thats what he meant .
that is what we are created for , to do NOTHING !!
I don't think I have to convince you guys bcoz , u want to believe this .
Listen to your heart , if u listen very closely , you might be able to hear it go...laze-laze,lub-dub,laze-laze,laze-laze .... But why go for that trouble , why do all that hard-work? , you know what I'm saying is true .

That's why we invented slavery , so that they(slaves) do our work . That was untill Ab Lincoln came in.
Then we went high on designing machines . So , that we get more time to enjoy the moment .
the present . 'coz the past sucked untill we realised it didn't ; 'coz the future's gonna suck even more . So all we have is the present which sucks , but it wont much , if we do nothing .

LAZO-METRE
Here's a small test to see how lazy you are ?
( But again , you really don't have to take this test if you don't want to .Why do all this work ? )


Q. How often do you take a bath?
a) once a millenium
b) once a month
c) everyweek
d) everyday

Q. When do you start studying for the tests ?
a) I don't
b) On the morning of the test , in the college .
c) In the bus / On the bus
d) I revise for the 3rd time a day before ( this option is not open for boys )

Q. How often do you wash your car ?
a) oh! so you hafta wash the car ?!
b) no more wash-bath questions please !
c) on the fifth sunday of each month
d) every weekend

Q. Wats your most commonly used word ?
a) Yawn
b) hmmm
c) ass
d) none of the above

Laze-card :-
all A's ..................... lazier than Sandeep
2 or more A's ......... lazier than Tushar
no A's,2D's............. .you are a girl
all D's.......................Shveta ?


Not doing anything is not child's play . You need guts to do nothing . It takes a lot of courage to procrastinate work to a later date , that will never come .
But remember there is a hidden talent inside you that was suppressed by the soceity , which pops out and manifests itself on the surface every now and then .Its called Lethargy .
With this hidden intelligence , coupled with true determination, dedication, discipline and stretchy-elephants , you will gain the guts and courage to do nothing , to make others do your work (note: girls work and girls love choclates . get the connection) and to put-off work infinitely .
The soceity might be against it , but if we all stand together we can do it , we can win , we can laze !
'Coz its against nature to work and we are just playing by the rules .
The soceity is breaking the code by making us work , and trust me nature will strike back .
They won't know when its coming , they won't know how its coming ; But I'm telling ya , its coming !!
So next time your mom says you are lazy, lethargic,indolent,slothish ....
be proud of it .
'coz its okay to be lazy.
its human to be lazy .
<><><>
the guy who wears the torn " I do nothing but I do it well " tee-shirt every second day .

Friday, November 12, 2004

TOW ...wat should've been the PILOT posting

close to 12 noon . Friday the 12th. Nov , 2004 .

hey i dint know creatin a blog was this easy !!
a week to go for the exams .... not read a word as usual .... jus got out of the i'm converting to buddhist frenzy and trying out a do-not-try-at-home Karate move that turned ugly !! ... and here i am creating this blog .

Why the title ?
" Why Fuddha sold his Hayaboosa !!! " ... I dont have a clue of wat that means ... It all happened so fast ... I'd to think of a name and this sounded cool (then!) ...
as a result .....the first article i posted on the blog had to be abt Fuddhism .... honestly I'm kind of scared now ... i've heard some ppl dont take blasphemy very well !!
<<>>

Why BLOG ?
No idea .... no sane man would want to read the crap tat i write ...but this way i just lay the dishes on a common table ... now its for them to eat (read : read) it !
Anyway thank u Michelle for asking me to make one(blog) and Drib for accidentally showing me how to. Also , i'd like to thank -> my horrible life , my even more horrible college and my friends ... scram,lyn,bog,turbo,palo,padla,sim,oat,drib,ET,hash and page ... for making my life so eventful !!

Afterword :
The world is a much LESS safer place , now that my tgts and philosophhies are on the loose .All the current articles posted are atleast 6 months old . they were residing safely on my hard-disk all this while , but now its time i took my vengeance with world for all the evil things it has done to me !the younger "works of art" will be posted in a month or so (saving the two-liners i'll write each day to take a break from my highly stressful lifestyle of eating -sleeping-dreaming )

Scoffes.

TOW ...Fuddha and all that jazz

Mankind needs a , " new leader " !!
I'm starting my own cult .
Buddhism wit a F .
" Fuddhism " .
"F " for fun,froloic,fad,fab,feast and fush!
Fuddhism :-
is about achieving your own internal happiness instead of blindly following the words of others.
has no Gods (other than Fuddha ,and that's me), or goddesses, archangels, demons(again except Fuddha), mythological beasts, or cyborgs from the future .
is appealing to the ultra-rational, scientifically trained ,light-hearted, peace-loving ,MTV and Cartoon Network watching people .

Fuddha's Noble Truths :
# Life can suck.
There's disease, cycle tests , expensive canteen food , sadistic teachers, hardworking peers , semester exams and death.
We miss out on all the good stuff in attempting to protect ourselves from the bad. .

# All goals circumscribe around joyfulness and serenity .
People always end up living for tomorrow .
You get it in your head that you want things, and your mind then becomes an instrument for chasing those things , forgetting that the ultimate goal is to have fun .

# Use Greedy Algorithm
Is Fuddhism a pessimistic religion ? No.
Fuddha says," Find a way to rid yourself off suffering" .
There is no garuntee that you will find a way but atleast it's better than sitting and whining about it.

# To rid yourself of suffering, you must follow the seven-fold Path.


The Seven-fold Path

The whole reason for becoming Fuddhist is to achieve happiness and become "enlightened."
In order to do this, you must follow the seven-fold Path.
01> Be cool:
Maintain equanimity and be sang-froid , even if your morning tea is too strong and your omelete turns black ; or its post midnight , you have a crucial test the next day and you don't know even the name of the module ; or apocalypse is imminent and you realise that you are still a virgin .
02> Be Logical :
Reason out . Be Rational .
Read "Logic and Combitronics" By Rosen , to start with .
03> Beat the blues:
Listen to music . Classics , rock, hip-hop , country .... anything but pop.
Watch Friends, Seinfield , SouthPark and baby loony toones .
Read sacred texts like "Don't stand too close to a naked man!" by TimAllen ; or the " Jeeves series " by P.G.Wodehouse.
And , if nothing helps , Watch Porn . period.
04> Right Speech:
Swear a lot . That keeps your BP low .
Also don't feel offended if others use foul language.You just get fouler.
Always keep a few words in reserve to be used in case you really want to swear
05> Do not trust anyboby :
Its a big bad world .
Be friendly and help others , but trust no one .
Also , Don't do anything to somebody that you don't want to be done to you (chicken ofcourse is an exception) .
06> Nothing is done untill its done :
Don't vouchsafe that sigh of relief untill you are absolutely sure that the problem has been solved .Remember, Anything can happen .
07> Buddhist Precepts with nuances :
a.Don't kill . man or beast : chicken is not beast , so its ok to eat chicken and anybody who does bad to you can't be considered man , so its ok to kill your enemies but don't get caught.
b.Don't steal : But if somebody else steals your pen or calculator , it's ok to steal his.
c.Don't lie : However if a lie does more good than bad ->lie.
d.Don't cheat on your loved ones : But if they cheat on you , give them a taste of their own medicine and let them realize it's bitter.
e. Don't take drugs or smoke : Drink instead . But remember , it's highly fatty , so you must workout accordingly. And don't drink on duty or while driving .

Afterword :
Mellow out. Enjoy life. Rejoice in the absence of a great burden of rules and doctrines.
Discovering Fuddhism isn't the beginning of your search for wisdom, and taking refuge in the Fuddha won't be the end.
Say Peace ,
FUDDHA.