bULb fiction

homosapiens felt the need to share .

we had to get a lead in the survival game .
we were competitive .
so we got ourselves involved in a lot tiring activities .... climbing trees , running behind animals , running from animals , hunting , mating ....
so after a hard day , we felt the need to jus sit down , tear some meat and talk .
talk and share .
now see tats where we made the mistake .

So wats wit sharing ? Wats wit asking friends abt opinions ?
Abt everything . career , lovelife .

Lovelife ! Why ? why do we ask our friends abt advice on how we feel ? and sometimes also give advice on how they feel ?

From what I've observed , there are these laws u must follow :


# 1 >
When u are really bored ... Do NOT discuss about ur encounters with the opposite sex .

jill : so wats up ?
jack : nothing .
jill : ok , there's got to be smthn .
jack : A'rite fine ... So i met this chick yesterday .
jill : U did ! oh tats great !! so wat happened ? did ya ask her out ?
jack : Wat ?! NO ! hey i like jus met her . besides , i dono , we dont have much in common .
jill : Oh tats even better ! U know opposites attract .
jack : Yeah , actually come to think of it , I was kind of attracted to her . And hey she liked the Matrix !
jill : See tats great ! u have so much in common , tats really good .
jack : Wait ! dint u jus say , opposites attract ?
jill : ya , well they do . but see with u guys , its like u know and yet u donno , u know !
see tat mystery thing is really great .
jack : really ? man , i'm bad at this analytical bizness .
jill : oh c'mmon jack , u r 21 . ask her out . she's great .
jack : u dont even know her
jill : ya . but from wat u've told me abt her . i think u guys will be great .
jack : but i've not told u anythin abt her
jill : oh jus shut up ! stop bein a moron and ask her out .
jack : u know wat , u are rite ... i am a moron ... hey i'm 21 ... tats it ... i'm goin to ask her out . thanx jill , wat'll i ever do witout U !!


# 2 >
If u have the slightest thing for anyone . shut ur big yapper .
else except the corollary that information is bound to be globalised and amplified !
and once its out . it's not just out . its out there . lurking .

jack : so how are things wit u and jill ?
jim : oh pretty good actually . infact i dono man , i think i mite have a minute thing for her . nothing big . not a big deal . and hey this stays bet us alrite .

jack : k so jim , has this thing for jill . but this stays bet us alrite .
kate : got it . between us .

kate : k so jim has this huge thing for jill . but listen , this stays bet us alrite .
tiff : wow ! tats great . and got tat . my lips are zipped .

tiff : k so u know jim ? yeah , he's in love with jill .
beth : really ! u know wat . i always kind of had a faint idea u know .



# 3 >
Once its out there , a self evolving amorphous hierarchical organization is formed .

and they are effecient ...
" Dont worry Jim , we have our men looking into the situation . They'll find out why she dint call yesterday " .

with abstraction levels and everything...
" I'm sorry John , we cant tell u if they went for a date last night . U are authorised for only g-15 information ,and this is clearly g-16 . But We'll ask jim and see if we can promote u "


# 4 >
And there are the signs and signals . I dont even know if they exist . But if they do , they are the most complex reversable public key encryption algorithms out there .

jim : k great ! so now u know too .
kate : its k . and its jus me n beth n tiff.
jim : wat ?! tiff knows too .
kate : hey its ok . its jus us . a'rite fine . so did ya talk to her ?
jim : yeah , sure did .
kate : wats did she say ?
jim : i dono , u know the regular .
kate : yeah like wat ? i need details .
jim : well i said "hey " , so she said "Hi" and...
kate : wait . she said hi . tats great .
jim : wat ? how's tat great ?
kate : u know she said hi . u don jus say hi to someone like tat .
jim : really ?
kate : anyway , wat else did she say ?
jim : nothin much . oh wait , she said i was funny !
kate : she said tat . OMG , she so likes u !!
jim : What !! no ! wat if she jus finds me plain funny ?
kate : no-one thinks u r funny jim . u are goofy . we cant stand u . but she said u r funny .
jim : wait , i'm goofy ?!
kate : we'll come back to that later . wat else ?
jim : she said it was sad I cud not make it to the party the other nite .
kate : tats it . she loves u .
jim : What ? how ?
kate : she missed u . U dont jus miss ppl . If a girl says she misses u ,she's saying she loves u .
jim : no it does not .
kate : it does too , u moron . when will u learn to read between the lines ?
jim : u r rite . the way she said it , i kind of felt it too .
kate : see , tats it . remember , girls show signals . u gotta understand that .
jim : man ! tats so subtle .
kate : well tats how we are . we are gentle and subtle . U've to be shrewd enough to decipher all this and make the move .
jim : u are so rite . i am a moron . Oh kate ! wat'll i ever do witout U !

# 5 > Guys have to make the move . Thats the rule .

" U chose to bring the meat , U are the one who hunts , and U make fun of us all the time , so u do the danger thing ... "

And if u mis-decipherd the signals , then u are 'IT' .
Cuz Now u r the one who has been turned down . And u dint even want to do it in the first place ! And its like a permanent metallic tattoo printed on ur back .
" QA REPORT : Rejected . Count 1 "

It wud have been not that bad , if not for the 'Move on ' routine :

jim : so u going for the game tonite ?
tiff : u and jill look good together u know .
jim : uh-huh . so u a knicks fan ?
tiff : no seriously . u guys look good together .
jim : ya but well it dint workout . Anyways , so abt the game...
tiff : u know wat , u shud get over it .
jim : get over what ?
tiff : get over jill .
jim : wen was i under jill ?
tiff : oh c'mmon , its jus me . i know how u feel .
jim : really ? but no seriously i'm cool , i'm fine .
tiff : Oh u are still not over her ! u are in lou wit her .
jim : what ! no , i'm not . i never was . it aint a big deal okay .
tiff : oh poor darling , u must move on .

well how abt u MOVE ON , to better topics !


# 6 >
do guys have this signal bizness . I dont think so . Or do we ? I dont know I never read abt it in the 'Code of Guys' !

beth : i spoke to him !
kate : my baby , u did ! wat did he say ?
beth : he said " HI" !!
kate : OMG
beth : I know , I mean who says "HI" ?
kate : He is definitely giving signals
beth : U think so too ?
kate : Sure ? wat else did he say ?
beth : Well we spoke for an hr or smthn and ...
kate : What !! An hr ? he's definitely in love with u .
beth : I know ! Isnt it the best ? Oh ! i sooo love him .
kate : And he loves u too
beth : Oh kate ! its all cuz of u . wat'll i ever do witout U !

And why do girls giggle ? Is tat a sort of a sign too ? or is it like an acknowledgement to smthn we do ?

beth : hehehe
kate : hehehe
jill : hehehe
tiff : hehehe
jack : dude wats going on ?
jim : word on the street ... U and beth are sort of an item .
jack : What !!

# 7 >
Once ur friend starts going around , U've to like his girlfriend (or BF) . Thats the universally accepted rule .
Also Once they are wit someone , they magically know the tricks , the same ppl who wud ask u wat to do before they went around .

jim : dude ! i'm telling u man , she's the best . she's perfect for ya .
tim : so u like her .
jim : oh i can be giving u competition mister . lucky u !
tim : well i'm lucky it worked out . so things working out bet u n jill ?
jim : nope . tats an old story .
tim : u are a moron man ! look at me . u gotta be smart . girls have these signal thing , u gotta catch them and respond . its okay , i'll teach u these tricks someday .
jim : thanks man ! wat'll i ever do witout U !

# 8 >
U always support ur friend after break up .

jim : so heard , u guys broke up ?
tim : yup .
jim : its k man , u know wat , i say its a good thing that happened .
tim : really ?
jim : sure . I never liked her anyways . besides , u guys had nothing in common !
tim : yeah ? ... yeah !
jim : now cheer up , we are goin to a strip club , and then moving on .
tim : thanks man ! wat'll i ever do witout U !

* * *

Wat'll u guys ever do witout ME !

TOW .... The Haircut ( Part Two)

pls read part one first

So u get the shave .
Get the clean moon .
U look at the mirror . Turn a lil right , then left . No-one incl u have any idea wat u r checking out . But then u have to do it . U always check in the mirror after u get a haircut or shave ... in my case both in the same area !

Then U come out . a new man .
flex ur muscles a lil ... makes u feel like Diesel .... plan to get tattoo done ... and then u r on ur way home .
ur neighbors dont recognize u anymore

" Hey whose that ...wait a min ... Oh my GOd ! isnt tat Mrs Nair's son ?! ... What did he do ? "

And on the way u feel exactly like u felt before . your hands are shaking , u r biting ur nails , ur lips are quivering , u cant gulp ur own spit , ur not easy on ur knees .
Cuz U gotta meet Mrs Nair .

Its not easy to meet ur mother after u get a shave , I tell u . U always have an ambulance and paramedics ready rite outside . Atleast I did . I also put a finger on the peephole . Dint want my mom to see me thru it , faint inside and not open the door . U see i'd jus called the paramedics , not firefighters !

But she survived . Dint die . Infact she took it pretty well . Just a short fever .

Next on , u gotta meet ur friends .
And u can classify their response based on how close they are to u .

The ones that are close respond with a head jerk, rounding eyes and the statement "What the .... Why the ... What did .. " . Exact same words . All of them .

The ones that are not very close always give the side nod .
Thats the protocol .
Guys give the left nod , Girls give the right .
Their statement -" Oh! why ? "

So now u have to come up with reasons :
> I've cancer .
> I turned buddhist .
> I've a head surgery .
"Oh! God , why wats wrong ?" .
Brain tumor , Doc says I shud not stress , so no ques pls .
> I went to tirupati .
" I thot , u were an atheist " .
Ya I'm goin thru some changes .
" See , I always knew u'll come around "
Yeah watever !

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But I really dont get it .
What exactly is the point of having hair again ?
What exactly is it protecting ?
Its not like we are in the ice age !!
Its 40 degrees out there , and u've this blanket of human wool over ur head .
Its like a sweater tats stuck to ur head at all times .

And women must hate hair ?
Thats why they go thru all the torture of putting hot wax on their tender skin and jus ripping it ... OOOOH !....
So on those lines , they shud love guys with no hair !
I've never understood women .

But I personally feel that hair is a vestigial organ .
All must do away with it .
I think , We all are spending too much time grooming it , caring it , combing it , worrying , and asking questions abt it .
I say all humans should shave it .

Come to think of it , it's eventually gonna happen anyways .
Look at Capatian Picard (Patrick Stewart) from star trek . His head was smooth as an apple .
So that means in the furture , hairless ppl are going to lead .

Boy do i have an edge in the future !!

***

TOW .... The Haircut ( Part One)

So I shaved my head !

Yup . Pretty audacious thing to do , I must say .
You go there ( butcher ...eh..barber shop ) on a sunday morning ... your hands are shaking , u r biting ur nails , ur lips are quivering , u cant gulp ur own spit , ur not easy on ur knees , u start having second thoughts abt the decision : Do i do it ? Do i not do it ? Hey my hair aint tat bad now !! Will it ever grow ? will i get a job ? Ok girl friend is pretty much out of the question , rite ?!

And u cant ask ppl if u r doing the rite thing . Cuz ppl have opinions . They always do . Everyone always has smthn to say abt these matters . Everyone has a friend of a friend or a long lost relative who screwd up cuz he did wat u are abt to do .

So I dont make tat mistake and go there without asking or telling anyone abt my intentions .
And u've to sit in the waiting room . not much of room , more like an array of chairs with magazines thrown all over . And then u have to wait .cuz there is no other way . Its called the waiting room (or bench), tats wat u r supposed to do there ... wait !!

so u are there pretending that u are reading a mag , wen u are actually looking askance at everyone wondering if any of them ever thot of gettin the clean moon ! ur heart is racing like a V2 engine on full throttle , u r shittig bricks , and then he(barber) calls u . its ur turn .
the moment of truth has come .

And then u sit their on the throne , the guy puts a cape and everything around u to make sure u feel like a king , before he does the job .
And then wen u tell him what u want , he wants to be sure . u see its not everyday ppl come to him asking him to shave their heads off .

He wants to be sure . He asks u five times in six different languages with a lot of gesticulation , if he dint misconstrue wat u said .
Once he's done with tat , he has to know WHY ?
cuz ppl always have to know WHY ?
That's basic human characteristic , they dont care abt millions dyig of wars and aids and pollution ... but sure they JUST HAVE to KNOW , WHY some random guy they're never gonna meet again has decided to shave his head!

And thats where u know , that u'll have a lot of explaining to do .
So he sharpens his knife (or blade , watever!) , puts the damn thing on ur wettened(?) hair and zips ! OUCH !
And u gotta be pretty brave wen its happening . I'm tellin ya , dont open ur eyes !
U are half way thru the ceremony , u open ur eyes and look at ur new self in the mirror ... ur head looks like a battlefield : dead hair all around , not a blade of hair on the sides survived , spiked hair soldiers cuddled up in the middle jus abt to be annihilated ... it's pretty sad scene , plus u look like a british punk , and tats wen u go " Oh crap !! "

And then its all over .
The ppl around cant open their eyes cuz of all the reflected radiation from the head
Freedom .
Freedom from decision making .
U now have a clean shaven head .
U've joined the likes of Vin Diesel , Bruce-Willis(act also his ex Demi Moore !) , and other very sexy ppl !

And u feel .... u feel like GAWD !

(Gawd why did i do it !)

***

Soon to come ... PART II :

A glimpse --
But the ordeal has jus started .
Cuz , there are ppl to meet . And ppl like asking questions .