TOW .... the Pacifier

i proved it .
i conducted experiments and i proved it .
the diff bet guys n girls is genetic . its not social .

i've a two yr old cousin sister and a brother .
often . no . always , i'm incharge of handling them , every time the fly decides to meet up .
every member of the fly , keeps outsourcing the job of handling kids to their subordinates , and i happen to be at the end of the grown up line . ( yes , for some vague ass reason , they tink i'm a grown up . HA !! )

so anyway . after a thorough research and collecting emperical facts , i've developed my signture style of handling the little rascals .
lemme edify u wit the same .....


<< HANDLING KIDS - 101 >>

# boys ( the boxer )

> start with boxing . he's bound to retaliate . make sure u've ur AREAS well protected .
> dont fake losing initially , let the guy sweat it out a little .
> ya , now lose . if u've strong cuzins like i do , u may not have to fake it !
> help him climb walls and make him feel like spiderman .
> lift him and make him fly like superman
> become green gobling and let him hit u a little
> if he starts acting too smart , and becomes too proud of his strength ... nail him down .
> show him what is danger . they like that . push him frm the edge of the bed , but make sure u have cushioned the surface wit loads of pillows .
> all guys love dis-assembling and breaking stuff . give him anything that can be dis-assembled , and he'll be so engrossed in destroying it and figuring out how the damn thing works , that u can take a break frm running around him .
> he'll soon get frustrated wit all the futile reverse engineering of complex human inventions , and will either break / shred / throw the object , sayin " wAfatha thi tham blaflu" , roughly translated : " Oh ! To hell with it !! "
> now give him the remote . no boy can stick to a single channel for more than 40 seconds . so he'll start wit pogo , and keep surfing ... sometimes making pitstops , checking out either cars or chicks .
> this is the time u give him food . he'll eat . a lot .
> make him sit on ur paunch , whilst the tv is on . within 120 seconds , he'll be sleeping . i gaurantee tat .

lets revise :
" tire him physically - make him feel like a super hero - let him know tat tho he is the superhero , u can kick his butt if ya wanted to - challenge him mentally - show him wat is adventure sports - let him handle the tv remote - food - bed - stoned !! "

***

# girls ( the princess )

unlike in the case of guys , there is no ONE way of handling them . there are many strategies :

> let her borrow ur mother's or sister's make up box and get her a comb . now sitback , relax and let the lil princess , give u a make over !!
( yes u'll end up lookin like a travestite and most of ur hair wud be missing , but wat the heck , the kid'll be happy , quite and occupied )

> put on POGO or anything tat involves dancing . let the remote be in ur hands . she does not want change of channel .

> listen to her stories . or atleast fake listening to her stories . they will be very long and will betray logic but will be very creative .
( or try wat i do : make sure she's not sitting on the edge of the bed - hold her - now close ur eyes - maybe take a nap - and just nod ur head and make agreeing sounds once in a while )

> she'll want YOU to tell stories . dont panic . jus start of with , " once there was a little princess called ...... " . she'll fabricate the rest . jus keep repeating wat she says .

> u can also play : teacher-teacher , kitchen-kitchen , mummy-mummy etc .
just make sure that u r the student / guest 4 the tea party / kid , respectively .
and jus DO wat she says . or u are in BIG trouble mister .

***

so we see that the behaviour of diff sexes is congenital and not society made .

every boy has a single goal in life untill he is seven , in some cases nine and in some extreme cases 22 .... to DIMANTLE gadgets and to be the STRONGEST MAN in the world !
he is not sure himself , wat he'll achieve by either , but he works towards both relegiously .
he has no patience to tell stories or listen to the crap u want him to listen to.
he has better work to do ... to SAVE the WORLD !!

girls on the other hand , have lots to say and want you to listen .
they are peaceful and creative , as long as they think u are LISTEN-ing to them .
they have to show tat they are doin all the work .
they love fabricating stories .
they dont like change .
and they all think they are godesses !!

yet , daughter's are daddy's princess and guys are mommy's hero !
infact , tho i prefer being always being the COOL UNCLE or the jobless BRO , hypothetically , repeat HYPOTHETICALLY , if i were to ve a kid , i'd pick the little princess .

TOW .... Greetings !

before coming down they all got to pick a gift .

dinos picked size .
mice picked anti-size .
cheetas picked speed .
tigers picked strength .
chamelions picked color changing abilities .
there was not much left to pick from , by the time human got to the pick-up table .
just : intelligence , tolerance and social skills .
he figured , he really cud not do much with the first two , so he picked the last one , atleast tat cud get him to page-3 !

***

the first thing to do after bein gifted wit these skills , was to design protocols of greeting one another , on meeting and departing .
and with that came ....

> the chest bang wit a roar
> the kick each other on the groin
> the slap-so-bad-on-the-back-tat-it-breaks

and then ofcourse the more civilized ones like ...

> the zai-kai-kai-zai handshake
> the regular handshake
> the japanese bow
> the chinese bow
> the french kiss
> the jerk ur head and lift eyebrow
> the one eye wink
> the one finger salute
> the two finger salute
> and yes the 3 , 4 and 5 finger salute .
( lesser the no of fingers , the cooler and less armish it gets !)
> the one finger extend
> the lateral one finger extend
> the one finger extend and shoot with thumb

***

later he decided to use other senses like sound and made short silly words tat wud go on to mean something ( and much later , back to meaningless rote sounds ! ) .

- yo , howdy , wassup , olla , namaste and incase u are mallu , a blank face !!

( my whole life i've never heard or seen an indigenous mallu wish or greet . if he is either surprised or pleased or not-happy abt ur visit , he makes the half-a-syllable grunting sound with a upward head jerk ; and if he doesnt feel very strongly abt ur existence on the planet , he jus shows a blank unconcerned face ; and if u say hello to him , he'll prolly work on a quarter smile . tats the mallu way of greeting ( non mallus dont laugh , this one was only 4 us mals) ) .

***

then ofcourse there is the more widely used and ergo , the uncoolest of all : "Hello" and "Bye".

but a couple of hundered yrs after its invention , human realised that bye was not enough , it was not quite making the point , as emphatically as he wanted to it , so he imported a "good" into it and replace 'bye' wit 'goodbye' .

and then yet again , after using it for another couple of hundered yrs "goodbye" too lost its charm . it joined the fate of ... 'dunlop icecream' ,'parker pen' and 'amitabh bachan' .

so man , out of need for emphatic expression , gave birth to : TAKE CARE !

***

"take care " fascinates me . cuz i really dont get it .

- am i hanging down from the empire state , for dear life , holding the lightning pole on a stormy cloudy rainy night ?

- am i trying to fight a 10 feet tall royal bengal tiger with bare hands , after kicking its posterior ?

- am i letting a 20 yr old girl shop for shoes , with my money ?

well if NO , the i guess i m fine .
thanks for the concern but , i kind of DID KNOW tat i have to take care meself b4 u told me !

***

the thing with good-bye is tat we always say good-bye .
whether u are pissed , u r happy , u r angry , u r hungry , u r delighted , u r tired .... GoodBye !
there are no BadByes ?!
always goodbyes .

how come no one says ... GOODHELLO ?
wats so non-good abt hello that was not there in bye ?!
how come bye gets a good and hello gets nothing !!

ya humans shud really have picked the first option !

anyway , thank you for reading .

Good Bye and Take Care !

TOW ..... Wats in a Name ?

A : So Kathy screwed up ur life ay ?
B : Totally man !
A : That bitch .
< awkward silence >
A : So how was she ?
B : wat do u mean , how was she ?
A : I mean , u know , was she ... u know !
B : Oh yes she was . When it came to that , she was pretty aggressive .
A : She was . Hey I'm sorry man !
< awkward silence >
A : By the way , her bro's fushin up our lives u know ?
B : He is ? A'rite . Wats his name ?
A : They call him baazy . Real name : Baaz .
B : Baaz ! well tats a funny name . Why do u think they call him tat ?
A : I dont know man , Well why do they call her Kathrina ?
B : True . True .

***

So whats with naming these cyclone things ?
What ? Are they supposed to feel we care for them or something !!

In south china sea , the cyclone leader to the others :

" Hey pack it up guys , we negotiated with the govt , they have agreed to treat us like humans .
They have given us a name and everything , so ease it down boys , we are moving west !! "

***

What was wrong with plain old : " the cyclone thats going to (and tat never will) hit Chennai " ?
Do we really have to name them ?
And what if the cyclone gets pissed with the name we give them .

Off the coast of Bengal :

" Baaz !! Thats wat they plan to name me ?
Hey I demanded for Shahrukh Khan ! "

" Yes , I'm sorry . We tried , but this is the best we could get . "

" Baaz ?! Thats not even a name !!
Okay tell them I'll settle for BAAZigar .
And they better agree , or dot-dot-dot "

***

What's in a name ?
Well , the name is a kind of a projection of the bearer .
If u name someone butch , u know he'll grow up to be a bully .
name someone sandeep , u know he'll grow up to be a smart-sexy person , every girl , hawt girl , is looking for .

One cyclone to another , during a cyclonic-tea-party in the Atlantic :

" Dont u think she was too furious for a Kathrina ?
I dont think she can carry off a Kathrina ?!
Maybe , Althea !! "

***

If we keep naming them , maybe they'll also start behaving like humans :

In the deep Pacific , an orthodox cyclone father to his son :

" No El-Nino , U cannot marry Rita !!
Gracias !!
Only Catholic fe-cyclones . Do you understand ?
Our customs are diff from theirs .
Besides Rita destroyed property worth only 3 billion last low pressure season .
They are way below are class , son .
Whats with ur generation ?!
Do you realize You have a younger sister .
Who'll marry La-Nina ? "